Living

I was asked tonight by a patient if my job makes me live in fear. This isn't the first time I've been asked this question..or at least a similar one, by patients or their families. And I have to admit that some days every mole is cancerous, every bruise is hiding leukemia. But I didn't want to say this to my patient..her reality is rough enough right now and she doesn't need to deal with my problems. But I hate being fake and shallow, and I wanted to give her and honest answer. So off the top of my head all I could think of was 'No. It makes me live in love.' And that was good enough for her. So she rolled over and went back to sleep (it's 2 AM, no one should be up right now!). And I walked out of her room. But now as I'm sitting down to chart, her question comes back..and my answer. I'd just said what first came to my mind. But the more I think about it..it's true. I'm constantly reminding myself that no matter what I do, I may not be able to prevent the people I love, or myself, from some day facing cancer, or a car accident, or any other terrible, life changing event. And so, with that continuously in my thoughts, I've decided I don't ever want to miss a chance to say I love you. To snuggle and hug and talk..and laugh. I don't want to waste time bickering over things that don't matter (laundry, dishes, missed phone calls, etc). I'm always reading the newspaper and shaking my head at how sad the stories are..always thinking 'I'm so glad it's not me.' It's always someone else. But one day, you are the someone else. And I think that that is one of the greatest blessings of my job: every day I come here..I walk away more determined to live my life in love! I know it sounds corny, and I know when I read this a few days from now I'll wonder what I was thinking. But it's true :) So, to all my family and friends..I don't tell you this enough: I LOVE YOU!